Celebrating the Mother’s Day Mob Boss
Everyone blogs about the cutesie, frazzled-yet-put-together mom on Mother's Day.
Know what I mean?
"Moms have the hardest job on earth: taxi driver, pediatrician, personal assistant, chef....blah, blah, blah."
Seriously? Have you ever seen a REAL mom, people?!
Those silly little job titles--the ones that attempt to bestow obvious expertise on our overworked, under-appreciated moms—do not remotely describe who they really are on any given day.
So let’s get real for a minute, shall we?
Celebrating the Mother's Day Mob Boss (aka Our Moms)
Your mom is actually a father....a Godfather. At any moment she saws off the head of an unsuspecting horse using only her wooden spoon. She makes up the bed with perfection and as a subtle reminder to “the boys” that they better remember who they're dealing with.
Mom’s a mob boss in real life. Instead of wielding an automatic weapon under the table as we “make the drop,” she needs nothing more than her shoe. And when she fires that thing, there's no recovery.
Mom’s a bookie. She hedges her bets on each of her children. And if they don't win, she cooks the books in their favor. I mean, have you ever seen a mom go up against a science teacher? And God-forbid a principal should stand in the way...
Mom’s a cleaner....but not in the way you think. I'm not talking Dysons and SoftScrub. I mean not even a trace of DNA evidence. Someone has to know how to get Orange Crush out of beige carpet. And based on her work with that little carbonated wonder, is there any doubt about what she can do with blood spatter?
Think “The Closer” for just two seconds. If you've ever been anywhere in a vehicle with your mom in the front and all of your siblings in the back, you know what I'm describing. She can settle a debate without knowing any of the finer points of argument. She can shut down an all-out brawl with a mere glance into the rear view mirror. With a single word, she becomes judge, jury—and if need be--executioner. And you listen, because you aren't entirely sure she WON'T turn the car around. If she ever does, where would your body end up?
So please, people, let's stop honoring mom with flowers and candy a blog posts about how girly-wonderful she is.
Mom's a force. She'll kick your soccer ball and watch you cry--she won't apologize--and you'll be better for it.
I would like to take this small opportunity to say thank you to my wife. She has always been the Chuck Norris of moms; our boys are fortunate. Betty Crocker can stay home today--Katie's on the job. I bet your mom is, too.