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Successful Relating Fulfillment Through Connection and Community Alice G. Vlietstra, Ph.D. Editor To subscribe or unsubscribe see below
April 2007
1. Welcome
2. The Gift of Forgiveness One challenge is that as we get to know each other, we often find GREAT DIVERSITY of personalities and opinion. No one thinks the same! How can people be so different and continue to get along? One way to solve this problem is for one view to become dominant and for the others to give in to it. A problem with this is that the needs of those in power are addressed, while the others are not heard. Often those in power enforce their concerns at the expense of others. The consequence is oppression, depression, and hostility. On a larger scale, it may even lead to war. The result is a power struggle where no one really wins. By contrast, when we look at solutions attained through the gift of forgiveness, we can have peaceful engagement, and everybody wins.
3. Peaceful Engagement Peaceful engagement may not lead to an immediate solution, or the solution we want. If there is a deep hurt or trauma, it may not lead to reconciliation. What it allows is respect for the dignity of others, and ourselves and helps us to understand we are all in the same human family. This is the ultimate solution to almost any conflict. To help you understand it, let me tell you a story. A mother asked her son, Ken, to set the table for supper, and he repeatedly forgot. Her reminders were not heard. So for the next meal, she did nothing. The family got together, sat down, and she brought out the food and put it on the bare wood. First, she put down the spaghetti, then added the tomato sauce on top. This was followed by the salad, and then the dessert. The family had to eat their meal with no plates, spoons or forks. Now Ken remembers to set the table every time. Notice that the mother did not excuse her son and set the table for him. Also, she did not yell and scream. Instead she engaged peacefully, and let him discover his higher self, which honored the best interest of the whole. For these kinds of solutions, we need the gift of forgiveness.
4. Three Keys to Forgiveness *Forgiveness is a free choice, --our choice. When we have a grievance or feel we have been wronged, we can choose to be a victim or a victor. When we are victims, we give our power to others. when we are victors, we take our power back. This means taking full responsibility for our own thoughts and emotions. It may take a while. Our immediate response when wronged is often first denial, and then anger. Anger has a useful purpose, but we do not need it forever. If we choose to forgive, research shows we will experience less stress, better health, smoother relationships, and greater emotional stability. By contrast, people who blame others have a higher incidence of illnesses such as cardiovascular disease and cancers (Luskin, 2002, p. 78). *Forgiveness is about a hidden pattern, not a person. Our conflicts are rarely about the other person but about hidden beliefs and patterns and what they mean to us. Frequently, it is subconscious. When we get upset, especially if it really bugs us, it is rarely about the present, but about buried emotions and beliefs from early childhood (See earlier e-newsletter, May 2005). Jesus' statement "Forgive them, for they know not what they do" recognizes the deeply unconscious pattern of early beliefs. When we recognize that the object of forgiveness is not a person, but an early pattern, we can use it to experience compassion for others and ourselves. By recognizing that it a block, we can release it and connect with spirit. Instead of judging each other, we can support each other. Our story changes and we become the heroes. *Forgiveness gives us hope. Forgiveness helps us honor our larger intent to better others and ourselves. I find that people feel deeply gratified when they can use their strengths to serve a purpose greater than themselves. The disturbances that bother us often bring our attention to a larger social issue, and our experience gives us the understanding and compassion to be of service to others. It can give us an inner peace to know that we have done our best, and to know, that in any situation, no matter how traumatic, there is always a gift. Enjoy your celebration and pass it on. Warm Regards, Dr. Alice Resource: Luskin, Fred. "Forgiving for Good," NY: HarperCollins, 2002. Acknowledgement: Many of my discoveries on forgiveness have come from the Attractor Field Technique. It effectively helps you identify and release old patterns while releasing the majesty within. The approach is integrated within a larger developmental framework, which also helps us see how our efforts contribute to others by raising consciousness. See www.the-tree-of-life.com
5. Announcements
Life's Deeper Purpose. Find your focus, honor your strengths, and release old blueprints. It will be held at 12131 Dorsett Road, Ste. 101, Maryland Heights, MO. A Creating Fulfillment in Your Relationships. Discuss the unique perspectives of men and women and appreciate both as you explore your strengths, vision and mission for a relationship in your life. This is a four-week workshop given at the Soul Esteem Center in Maryland Heights, MO beginning April 26. To register, Call 314-576-5506. Copyright 2006 Alice Vlietstra. All rights reserved. You have my permission to forward this newsletter to those who might be interested. To subscribe: E-mail alice@successfulrelating.com, and put subscribe in the subject line. To unsubscribe: e-mail alice@successfulrelating.com, and put unsubscribe in the subject line. About Dr. Alice Alice Vlietstra, Ph.D., formerly of the University of Missouri St. Louis, was first trained as a researcher in Human Development. This training provides the integrative developmental focus of her work. Currently, she works as a family psychologist, coach, and family business consultant. As a graduate of the Authentic Happiness coaching program, she is trained in promoting the positive. As a certified practitioner of mind-body techniques, AFT and NET, she is also highly skilled in understanding and releasing our blueprints from early childhood conditioning. This combination leads to high-powered strategies for enhancing our well being by advancing our consciousness.
Alice Vlietstra, Ph.D. |