September 2006

In this issue:
1. Welcome
2. Compost for Growth
3. Discovering Compassion
4. Our "Inter-being" is Our Well-being
5. Announcements

1. Welcome
In the past two e-newsletters we have focused on stress, resilience, and resolve. Families face stress, especially in times of transition or upon the death of a family member.

Often, when we face problems, we initially judge them as bad or negative. We see transition as a time of disconnection or separation. In this e-newsletter we will explore how we can use our challenges to connect and foster new growth.

2. Compost for Growth
One writing that resonates with me on the importance of facing the negative is the following quote from Thich Nhat Hahn:

"Let us not run away from our garbage; we should learn the art of making compost. Using that compost we will grow a lot of flowers. Don’t think that without compost you can have flowers. That is an illusion. You can have flowers only with compost. That is the insight of inter-being — look into the flower and you will see the compost. If you remove the compost that became the flower, the flower will disappear also. Whatever you are looking for, freedom, joy, and stability, you know that suffering plays a very important role in it. So be aware that we cannot just run away from our problems. In fact, we have to go back to our problems. The practice of calming, of concentrating, of embracing, of looking deeply into the nature of our pain, is absolutely necessary for us to get the transformation, the healing that we need so much.” Thich Nhat Hanh on July 20, 1998.

My interpretation of this quote is that if we throw away the negative, like garbage, we may be throwing out some of the most useful opportunities for transforming our lives. How does this resonate with you?

3. Discovering Compassion
So many times, when we face problems, we look at them from our present position rather than viewing them from a broader perspective. In particular, we often find ingenious ways to avoid confronting negative emotions. Emotions are neither good nor bad. Emotionality is part of what makes us human. It is only when emotions are ignored, repressed, and stuck that they get troublesome.

Rather than dismissing or burying the negative, our pain and suffering can be honored and dealt with in an empathetic, supportive way. When we do so, a deeper spiritual message can emerge. Combined with forgiveness, the pain changes to compassion. It loses its charge so we can move forward.

Hearts hardened by anger and hurt soften, and the old pain transforms into new insights. These insights can then foster growth as they give clues to our sense of personal mission. New solutions emerge.

For example, the woman who started MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) had a son who was killed by a drunk driver. She could have wallowed in her pain endlessly. Instead, she decided to heal herself by using the painful experience to honor her son and increase society's awareness of the problem.

At times of death, we can put structures into place that honor the individual’s memory and the higher values that the person represented. In that way, the person does not die, but lives on with us forever in spirit.

This is one way of facing pain to make compost and grow new flowers. Our problems can become doorways for the emergence of our higher self. Instead of judgment we experience our higher values and a deeper sense of connection.

4.Our “Inter-being" is Our Well-being
When we judge our negative experiences as bad, we often put ourselves in a mental box. We want to hide and function as though we are complete and separate entities. The walls of our boxes are built from the judgments and make about our selves from our personal experiences and backgrounds. They form the assumptions from which we construct our view the world. Often they come from our early childhood and represent our egocentric tendency to fault ourselves for things we do not understand.

Our boxes prevent us from tapping into the roots of our common human experience. Rather than attempting to understand others, we distance ourselves by judging and disconnecting. When we use our pain to connect with our humanity, we feel more complete because we are reconnected. This enhances our personal sense of well-being and gives our lives meaning. Instead of being negative, it leads to compassion and purpose in our lives.

The AFT techniques, forgiveness, and the identification of our character strengths and values all facilitate this process. In this way we can grow flowers from the compost of life.

Blessings from the compost heap,

Dr. Alice

Reference: Thich Nhat Hanh. Dharma Talk given on July 20, 1998, in Plum Village, France. see www.plumvillage.org.

5. Announcements
We had a great workshop last weekend. There will be another "New Look at Stress workshop" on January 20-21 2007. Email me for a flyer.

A support group for "A New Look at Stress" will be held once a month at my office. The group is open to everyone and will be held on Monday’s October 9, November 6, and December 11. The fee is $30 at the door, or $75 for the quarter (3 groups). Email me for a flyer or phone me at 314-729-2855.

I will be holding a five-week workshop "Mind your Money - Releasing your Money Blueprints" November 13, 20, 27, December 11 and 18. Email me for a flyer.

Copyright 2006 Alice Vlietstra. All rights reserved.

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Alice Vlietstra, Ph.D.
12131 Dorsett Road, Ste. 220
Maryland Heights, MO 63043
314-729-2855
alice@successfulrelating.com