June, 2006

In this issue:
1. Welcome
2. Greatness Comes Through Adversity
3. Standing in The Heat
4. The Importance of the Code
5. Announcements

1. Welcome
Welcome. Thank you for joining me in this series of e-newsletters on the characteristics that make relationships great. In the last e-newsletter, we discussed the importance of a Code of Honor.

All relationships face challenges. It is the Code of Honor, securely in place, that holds things together so we come out stronger on the other side. When you experience stress or reach an impasse in your relationships, personal, family, or business, do you look forward to it, knowing that something great is on the other side, or, do you back off, shirk, get angry, and complain?

By the end of this e-newsletter you will learn the benefits of "standing in the heat," and how a Code of Honor helps you to see it through to the end. Indeed, an agreed upon Code of Honor actually makes adversity safe. It defines how we conduct ourselves in times of stress. Stress need not be negative. It actually can help us to grow.

Blair Singer (2004) was one of the first to write about the importance of a Code. The following highlights some his work.

2. Greatness Comes through Adversity
We all have heard the saying, "Greatness is born out of adversity." Unfortunately, this is not always true. When under pressure, emotions climb. Adversity can bring out our courage, brilliance, and strength OR it can make us ugly beasts, and get us to run for cover.

The reason for the Code is to hold everyone together under pressure and to ensure that everyone will be disciplined enough to stay committed, sane, and strong so as to ride the challenge through. Every great team, person, or family became that way because of pressure. It brings out the best in us, but only if we can hold together when things go crazy.

Actually, growing and evolving through pressure is a fundamental law of nature. Many of the most profound and positive results come from standing in the heat while most of the ills and tragedies result from avoiding the difficult things we know we need to do. Blair Singer, in writing on the importance of the Code, cites evidence from findings of Ilya Prigogine, who was awarded Nobel Prize for chemistry in 1977.

3. Standing in the Heat
Ilya Prigogine observed that if you take a normal organism or compound and pass energy into it, it will take the energy in and pass it out. But, when we start adding MORE energy, overloading it, and putting it under pressure, something interesting starts to happen. It becomes PERTURBED. Have you ever experienced a time when you had too much to do, too much on your plate, too too many problems? Did you become perturbed? In physics, they call this a "PERTURBATION." It means upsetting the status quo.

Prigogine observed that increasing the amount of energy in a system overloads it until it starts to quiver and vibrate. As pressure increases, it vibrates even more until it reaches a point where it seems unable to handle any more.

This is the point at which so much has been going on that you want to scream. When you have been truly perturbed to the max, and are ready to explode, you are "in the heat." But, under the right conditions, something different happens. Things do not fall apart. They do not blow up. Instead, the situation actually reorders itself and evolves into a more complex structure. This is when we find new solutions and breakthroughs.

THIS HAPPENS ONLY UNDER THE RIGHT CONDITIONS. That is why we have a Code.

4. The Importance of the Code
When under pressure, humans release energy in the form of emotions. All of the emotions come up -- anger, fear, sadness, confusion, frustration. Most people, however, are terrified by these emotions, and, for that reason, avoid standing in the heat. Our early conditioning often has left us with limited capabilities for dealing with emotions. Instead, we hear phases such as "Don't cry" or "Be polite." The problem is that, if we do not allow for emotional release, it stifles the reaction,and the growth process stops.

On the other hand, if we can discuss, process, or even "laugh" our way through the situation, we can get through it. Releasing the emotions eases the tension and directs energy into pushing through the heat to the breakthrough on the other side.

The Code defines the rules that protect all players in the heat of the battle. It determines responsibility, fair play, communication, integrity, and respect. What is critical for maintaining a code is confronting an inappropriate behavior at the first outset. A person can vent and be frustrated, but not at the expense of others. Instead, emotions can be constructively expressed in discussion, exercise, and sports.

The Code is designed to hold you together. The context and the Code must support, protect, and nurture. If the rules are abusive, and people are abusive or demeaning, people will be quiet and not step up to the plate and take responsibility, or they will become abusive themselves.

A Code of Honor provides a set rules to lean on. Then, when the pressure rises, and everyone is wondering what to do, the Code will give the answer.

I believe that one of the most important rules of the Code is to stick through a tough issue until it is resolved. When emotions are high, it is easy to become upset or to let tough decisions and emotional issues slide. Yet, when emotions can be aired responsibly and released, we can find breakthrough solutions and regroup at higher levels of relating. Higher levels of trust can be forged while the commitment between the parties grows stronger. But it can't happen unless there is an agreement to stand in the heat until it is resolved.

Use the Code when pressure builds. Embrace it. If you stick with it, you will emerge with breakthrough results and an incredible sense of pride and accomplishment.

In the next e-newsletter, we will take a new look at stress. We will explore how stress may not be "out there," but may result from an internally generated pattern of feeling and thinking. Instead of being negative, we will explore how it can be released and used for learning and growth.

Warm Regards,
Dr. Alice

Resource:
Singer, Blair. “The ABC’s of Building a Business Team That Wins.” New York, Warner Books 2004.

5. Announcements
Would you like to learn how to handle stress? Dr. Kurt Ebert will be coming to speak in St. Louis on "A New Look at Stress," on August 20. He is a master at understanding and diffusing stress so as to promote health and well-being. He will be speaking at an enjoyable community event, an "A-Tractor Pull" at the Soul Esteem Center, August 20, 2-5 PM. The Fee is $30.00 in advance, $35 at the door. Email me for a flyer.

= Copyright 2006 Alice Vlietstra. All rights reserved.

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Alice Vlietstra, Ph.D.
12131 Dorsett Road, Ste. 220
Maryland Heights, MO 63043
314-729-2855
alice@successfulrelating.com