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Successful Relating Fulfillment through Connection and Community Alice G. Vlietstra, Ph.D. Editor May 2006
In this issue:
1. Welcome
This is the third of three e-newsletters on the role of a Code of Honor and values that bring out our best. By the end of this newsletter, you will better understand the power of a Code of Honor, why it is important, as well as what is needed to define a code. Then we will help you discover the adventure of using it.
2. A Hidden Power
This gratification is much more enduring and powerful than simple pleasure. Frequently, we are bombarded with advertising from the media to purchase items to help us gain pleasure. All too often, however, the pleasure that results is short-lived and on its own, is meaningless and empty. By contrast, a much deeper gratification comes from our relationships with others. When pleasure and celebration is experienced as part of the teamwork needed to accomplish a goal, it is much more meaningful and enduring. The power of an internal code can be seen in a simple experiment launched by Walter Mischel around 1970. He left a succession of four-year-olds in a room with a bell and a marshmallow. If they rang the bell, he would come back, and they could eat the marshmallow. If, however, they didn't ring the bell and waited for him to come back on his own, they could have two marshmallows. Note – the children had a choice; they could go for their immediate personal pleasure, or they could honor the relationship. This was the hidden power. In videos of the experiment, the children squirmed, kicked, and hid their eyes, desparately trying to exercise self-control, so they could wait and get two marshmallows. Their performance varied widely. Some broke down and rang the bell within a minute. Others lasted fifteen minutes. Follow-up research showed the children who waited longer got higher SAT scores, were received into better colleges, and on average had better adult outcomes. The children who rang the bell the quickest were more likely to become bullies. They received the worst teacher and parental evaluations and were more likely to have drug problems at age 32. What works, says Jonathan Haidt, the author of the "Happiness Hypothesis," is creating stable, predictable environments in which good behavior pays off. Moreover, it improves with practice. Young people who are given a series of tests that demand self-control get better over time. I would say, "stable, predictable relationships" pay off, and add that a code does not need to stifle creativity. This is the power of honor. In any group situation, it defines the behavior and performance that pays off for the best interest of the whole.
3. Why is A Code of Honor Important?
In the absence of agreed upon rules, people make up their own rules. Often when individuals, cultures and organizations come together they have a tough time understanding what is important. Then they wonder why others don't understand their way of doing things. They ASSUMED the rules were the same. Bad assumption. One of the easiest ways to avoid upset, misunderstanding, and disharmony is to make sure everyone is playing by the same rules. Note that agreement does not result by HAVING a code written down and tacked up by one person on the wall. A Code of Honor has to be developed through discussion by all members, agreed upon and taken seriously. Once agreed upon, the rules are not negotiable or subject to multiple interpretations. They are fundamental to the success of the team, and everyone needs to commit to respecting them. For example, in a workshop, a code can reflect simple agreements such as showing up on time after breaks and turning off the cell phones. Developing a Code of Honor creates accountability and a feeling of support. It is a powerful statement of who we are and what the team stands for.
4. Forming a Code of Honor
First, for the success of any team, all members need to clearly understand the priorities -- mission first, the needs of the team second, and the needs of the individual third. Second, the code forms the criteria for drafting people to the team. For example, one obvious criterion for potential team members is whether they would want to submit themselves to a code. Other criteria for selection of team members might include whether they have a high energy level, a desire to win and let others win, and whether they are personally responsible. A final criterion might be whether they have unique talents and abilities to contribute. In family businesses, not all family members may want to be on the business team. An honor code allows this to be openly discussed. That is OK; they still can contribute to the family in other ways. Third, the code allows team members to support each other for optimal performance. Singer gives the following guidelines in forming a code: *Create the code in a "sane environment." *Get everyone involved. *Isolate recurring behavior that interferes with optimal performance and discuss what was productive and unproductive and how people felt. This becomes the basis for creating a code. *From the discussions, write down rules that support optimal behavior and performance. *Be sure the rules are specific and enforceable without ambiguity. *Don't make too many rules. Stick to fewer than ten. *When someone breaches the code . . ."call it!"
A sample Code might include: *Celebrate all wins. *Keep agreements. *Talk to people directly (not behind their back). *Be on time. *Be responsible (no laying blame on others). *Be loyal to the team. *Be willing to "call" and "be called."
This is just the beginning of the adventure and gratification that
comes from participating on a team. The next step is becoming
prepared to maintain optimal performance when the pressure is on.
When pressure is on, emotions can run high and disrupt performance.
A Code of Honor helps a group to maintain optimal performance in
situations of change. In the next e-newsletter, we will be learning
the benefits that come from of this kind of growth.
Warm Regards,
Resources:
5. Announcements
We are getting ready for a fun community event, "A-Tractor Pull" at the Soul Esteem Center, August 20, 2-5 PM. E-mail me for a flyer. Copyright 2006 Alice Vlietstra. All rights reserved. You have my permission to forward this newsletter to those who might be interested. To subscribe: E-mail alice@successfulrelating.com and put subscribe in the subject line. To unsubscribe: e-mail alice@successfulrelating.com and put unsubscribe in the subject line. About Dr. Alice Alice Vlietstra, Ph.D., formerly of the University of Missouri St. Louis, was first trained as a researcher in Human Development. This training provides the integrative developmental focus of her work. Currently, she works as a family psychologist, coach, and family business consultant. As a graduate of the Authentic Happiness coaching program, she is trained in promoting the positive. As a certified practitioner of mind-body techniques, AFT and NET, she is also highly skilled in understanding and releasing our blueprints from early childhood conditioning. This combination leads to high-powered strategies for enhancing our well being by advancing our consciousness.
Alice Vlietstra, Ph.D. |