        |
||||||
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
 |
 |
|
|
Successful Relating Fulfillment through Connection and Community Alice G. Vlietstra, Ph.D. Editor April 2006
In this issue:
1. Welcome
One way to overcome fear is to honor our strengths and experience the support of others. These are the very strengths and values we discussed in the last e-newsletter. In this e-newsletter we will learn how focusing on these strengths brings out our best.
2. Secrets to Becoming your Best
Sarah Singer-Noire (2001) has a nice way of describing it. She says, "We are judgment making machines." Within ourselves, it seems we have an invisible scale from "1 to 10" whereby we make judgments, "putting a number on the head" of others and ourselves. Some people get a "1," others may get a "10" or a “4.” The only problem is that when we put a number on someone's head they know it, and so do we. Researchers such as Albert Bandura (1997) have shown that how we see another's potential has a greater impact on their output and performance than their level of training, background of knowledge, motivation and almost everything else combined. One way to look for the "10" in ourselves and others is to make a conscious decision to focus on strengths, no matter how difficult that may be. In the last e-newsletter we talked about identifying your unique strengths of character. I hope you took time to go to the Authentic Happiness website (www.authentichappiness.org) and took one of the tests, "The VIA Strengths survey," and identified your unique strength combination. When we are in our strengths we allow our higher self, spiritual resources, and uniqueness to emerge. One of the most universal assumptions in business organizations has been that a person's weakness is their greatest area of opportunity, and that people need to be well rounded. This deficit orientation has been questioned in the book "Now Discover Your Strengths" (2001) by Buckingham and Clifton. They argue that this model actually diminishes our chances of making our greatest contribution. A much stronger sense of well-being arises from an integrated sense of ourselves at our best. This does not mean we ignore weaknesses, but that we need to manage around them. That is, either we need to find someone else to do the tasks we do poorly or put in enough effort ourselves in an area of weakness to maintain an acceptable level of performance.
3. Values, Strengths and the Honor Code
The honor code helps us to transcend our individual strengths to serve the common good. It is a set of guidelines that all individuals in a group in mutually agree upon in order to function effectively as a team. Examples are "keep agreements," "deal direct," and "be polite." Honoring them helps us to feel personally gratified. Focusing on strengths is critical because they challenge us to live up to our higher ideals which then becomes inwardly satisfying and self-fulfilling. These ideals buffer against hassles and allow for easier forgiveness of transgressions. As a consequence, we experience much more joy, peace and harmony. The following is an example of how it works in families.
4. Angry Dad turns Hero
The father was extremely frustrated and upset with his daughter's refusal to communicate and comply with family rules, and he let her know it. Most objectionable to the father was her new boyfriend, whom he felt was totally irresponsible and whom she brought to visit the family business, highly “decorated.” The family's progress initially was slow. However, once everyone’s frustration had been vented and cleared, the scope of the communication changed. In addition, the family members took the “VIA Strengths Survey" and found that the daughter had a strong artistic bent, the father had a strength in leadership, and the mother had a strength in teamwork. This helped the family members to see themselves in a new light. Underneath the displeasure was care and love! Instead of focusing on problems, they began to see each other's strengths. Beneath Dad's gruff style, Mom saw her husband's true leadership potential. She encouraged him to see his daughter's uniqueness and her behavior as a cry for positive guidance and love. The couple deliberately set aside time to speak with their daughter in a nonjudgmental, encouraging way. Dad took leadership of the communication with his wife's support. Dad also was careful to maintain his composure in their daily interactions. If his daughter triggered a "hot spot," he stepped out and came back only after he regained his cool. The next time I saw the family, everyone came in, including Grandma. They were experiencing much more peace and harmony. The daughter changed her vision of what she wanted for herself and her previously destructive behavior fell away naturally. She became more responsible both within the home and at school. Two months later, when I contacted them to see how they were doing, they were maintaining their positive direction. Notice, there was little need to correct their weaknesses; it was only necessary to recognize each person's potential. In the next e-newsletter, we will explore how an "Honor Code" helps to make these kinds of changes happen.
Warm regards,
Resources: Buckingham, M. & Clifton, D. "Now, Discover Your Strengths". New York: The Free Press, 2001. Noire, Sarah-Singer. In "High Impact Training" with Blair Singer. Audio Program. Sales Dogs, Scottsdale, AZ. 2001.
5. Announcements
= Copyright 2006 Alice Vlietstra. All rights reserved. <> You have my permission to forward this newsletter to those who might be interested. To subscribe: E-mail alice@successfulrelating.com and put subscribe in the subject line. To unsubscribe: e-mail alice@successfulrelating.com and put unsubscribe in the subject line. About Dr. Alice Alice Vlietstra, Ph.D., formerly of the University of Missouri St. Louis, was first trained as a researcher in Human Development. This training provides the integrative developmental focus of her work. Currently, she works as a family psychologist, coach, and family business consultant. As a graduate of the Authentic Happiness coaching program, she is trained in promoting the positive. As a certified practitioner of mind-body techniques, AFT and NET, she is also highly skilled in understanding and releasing our blueprints from early childhood conditioning. This combination leads to high-powered strategies for enhancing our well being by advancing our consciousness.
Alice Vlietstra, Ph.D. |